Did I say something way too honest?

Here's to everything - coming down to nothing.
Here's to silence - it cuts me to the core.

I love summer days like today. Just relaxing in my backyard with betty, without a care in the world. Just enjoying this beautiful weather. Life is so great right now, everything is so good. I am genuinley happy. I thought it being the 8th month of the year id be really blue, but I am actually feeling great.

Thank God.

Time really does heal everything. It took longer than I had anticipated, but everything is better. And I could not be any more greatful.



(I'm watching my dog trip out on fly's buzzing around her, she keeps trying to catch them. Oh my little froggy doggy (::)

Blepbleppp. I am cleaning up so well. I am seeing in me now the things you swore you saw yourself.

That is all

Ego.

Discovering and recognizing this "ego" I call myself. We all have this chronic dissatisfaction that never allows a good thing to last 'forever'. In the bliss of all happiness, our human nature has this undying sense of discontent. From this comes fear, greed, and the desire for more.... or power. I'm realizing that this ego we have will always tempt us to be something we're not or something better than what we are. But Ive got plans to fufill what this little (big) heart of mine desires and the ambition to follow through.

P.s. Your dissatisfaction will hold you back more then anyone or anything else, love.

The hope is fading from my lips when I kiss you with goodbye. Now when you let go of our last embrace, please don't look me in the eye. Secret's out, that I just might care about you. You broke me, you're leaving. There's nothing I can do

I'll find a way to close the door, I want to say so much more but I found you once, you're lost again. Two thousand miles took what could have been

I don't want to, won't let myself, I have to realize that this might be, this could be.... this is goodbye.
This is goodbye.

The smile fate was wearing, slowly die. Minutes turn to months. Silence of the phone just mocks my cry when I see that you've moved on.

Do I ever cross your mind? Cause you're on mine all the time. I can't believe how unfair life is sometimes.

The world is better backwards.

I never saw you again. You slammed the door as you came in. We yelled at each other about something that just shouldn't fucking matter but for some reason, it does. It happened. We spoke softly. We were in bed. I told you

"I love you."

You said the same. We went to movies and parties and friends and ate and drank and made love.

It all ended with my eyes meeting yours for the first time and the sudden, extreme feeling of expectation.

And now, how can I miss what has never existed.

Recurring dreams

......are playing a significant role in my effort to erase all traces of my memories of you.

Although, here I am speaking of you, I must admit that it is working, quite surprisingly. :)


FINALLY.


Not you, youuu. Can you believe it?
I can.

Hengilas.

(Y)(M)(Y)(M)(Y)(M)\\

(303030303030303030303030)

YMYM.


Can never sleep anymore, it is so hot. But I have the fan on me, so I am kind of cold. Drunk, but I try not to be. I can't help it anymore though.

Can you please not contact me anymore? I'm doing my best here in getting over the false fabrications of what never was, you arent helping. I fight the urge everyday, but somehow manage to break it. God has yet to hand me the power in making me stronger.
San Diego has been good to me, although, has not yet rid my mind of what used to be.


Doing everything in my power to release the toxins called you, and doing everything in my power to fight the urge to to plunge back into it. Drunk here with the toxins of fabrication and alcohol. I am really getting over this feeling. I am getting over knowing nothing I think about is worth the while. Nothing I think about is ever real. Nothing I think about ever really was. But I suppose it is all in a live and learn lesson.

And soon, mark my words, soon, I will.

everything is going so well in my life. I have met the most amazing people these past few days. I have the most amazing best friend that always looks out for me. I have the most amazing mother who would do anything for me.

I AM GOING TO MARRY VDA.
geeze.

I think I should go to sleep cuz my soul sister and best friends are starring at me like I am a crazy woman. They are entertaining each other and I want to be part of the mix. i am so tired of blogging about this and giving you my beautiful words

Time to focus on lh and va.

NIGHT

God does answer prayers.

I don't have to depend on you anymore.

June 4, 1991 -

I wonder what it is going to be like at my funeral. I want lots of white and no crying, no black either, please.

I want you to celebrate my new life with God, do not mourn my death, embrace it.

Can you do that? If you do, I promise when I get to Heaven I'll write you a postcard and compromise a deal with a toothfairy to leave it under your pillow.

The blackest night will fall and I will be gone like the sun. But in the darkness, you will find something more important than me. You will find yourself, deep in that ink. The sky will lift you up like the moon, to bring light to a landscape starved of it. And I will chase you and you will chase me, in the hope that one day we will find each other again. And when that day comes, we will cast our light.

Together

When a tornado meets a volcano.

I never sleep anymore, I really want to, but I can't.

I really over analyze every situation I am put in.
And here I am, always writting about the same thing over and over even though I know God wants to to just sleep, wake up, and realize my worth and that this wasn't part of it.

( My hair has gotten so long :)(: )

Anyhow, I truly admire Jónsi's work to the bone. This is so soothing, so beautiful. Even if it reminds me of a time I wish never happened, I can't help but let his talent fill my ears and pour out of my eyes (in the shape of tears and regret) and heart (in the shape of .......fuck I miss you.)

Who am I kidding, how the fuck do you get over someone who has had your heart unknowingly for almost a whole entire year, and they not even know? Honestly, I need that answer right now far more than I need to nail that interview in a few hours. I am such a sap. Such a h e l p l e s s romantic. Awake at every hour, trying desperatley to forget what never was. How pathetic, I know.. don't remind me.

I should have learned from you, 806806806806/// I should have taken the sting as something to grow from, not miss and treasure and sit here and let someone else do this to me. Right?

Which brings me to another thing..........

Dear 806806806806806806806,
Before I can live with a genuine full heart that I can be satisfied with, when will you allow me to let go of you?

I know right now, you have 86% of my heart/mind, and the other whatever %, he has, but shit fuck fuck fuck. EVERYTHING reminds me of you.

The beach, the sky, the air, my eyelashes (I can not even go a day without mascara anymore because since 10th grade, you said I was as beautiful as an angel without it, if I don't wear it... I think of those words.... I think of you... Us.... 806806///////// ) my bed, my walls, my tattoo (which by the way was put onto my skin for you, no one knows that, well, i suppose they do now), my lamp in my room, everytime I brush my teeth even- I remember you and I would brush each others teeth and practice because 'one day bear, I am going to have to woosey your lazy grumpy ass out of our bed, drag you in our bathroom, and brush your teeth for you because I hate how you do it!' - how do I remember every single word down to the core????

There I go ... There YOU go distracting me.
B806806E806806A806806806/////R.

Why can't one person, just one, aside from Lily, see how genuine I am and how much I care? I give everything, and it gets spit on and stepped on and thrown out the window of the 605 on the way to weenier dog races. Kill me.

I pray everynight. I read my bible. I study it. I should know not to speak like this, or think like this. But God is so blurry right now. I feel like I am an iceberg and he is putting me through this hot summer because he enjoys watching me fall apart. Does that make sense?

I meet someone special. I get chewed up and spit out. FUCKFUCK.

This is bullshit.


(LISTEN TO: sigur rós - glósóli)

I want to be happy again. I want to go back to before I met you. Fuck, I want to go back when I was creeped out by you and warned my friends not to even pay you any notice because you would swoop in on them. I miss when you were only someone to talk to when I was up at 4am and so were you, and we both liked weird shit and traded weird photographs.

I miss the mystery of you. Now you're just a regular ass douche bag with the worst intentions, shot my heart to hell, and should burn there with it.

No, I don't mean that. But I do ://:

La la la la la la //////// <||| xyoursMINE3



WHY am I still up.

you can't change what you've done. what you can do now and in the future is another story entirely. worry less. do more

The tiny iceberg

tonight.,

tonight i thought it was the end. the end of the road. the end of my destination. that end where you know everything you have ever known was pointless in knowing... and it all just cam crashing down.

it was 8 months. 8 months deep
or 8 months not deep enough
all i know is i have a curse with that number, that 8 number, fuck you8.

all.everything.everything i have ever cared for,admired,cherished.ended,started,or had something to do with.

no.
im writting this for you. but not you, because you were so long ago. and you know that no matter what, ill always have a thriving heart for you

..but YOU,
because as mentioned before., well you get it,

LISTEN TO: BOSTON - AUGUSTUNA

i found an angel tied up in the bathroom at a resturaunt. i was about to untie her. you stopped me. you asked me..."ask her if she wants to be untied." she smiled and told me she was fine. as we walked out, you told me you can no aruge with angels. they do what they want. even if they have fallen... and you have got to respect them for that.

ausgust., 8 8 8 8 888888 8888 888 8 8 8 8 8 8 06 88 00 006 8 0 6 88 00 00 6

you dont know me and you dont even care
you dont know me and you dont wear my chains'


im going to boston
i think ill start a new life
i think il start over
no one knows myname
ill get out of california


ill get a lover.
i swear i willl.


soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo heartbroken. i hope to god no one sees this. you are not meant to read this. you are not meant to see this.. so please stop if you are. you you you you . you know my name but you dont know me. please just stop . please


i am down the street from my former best friends house
i took the most dangerous ride of my life 20 minutes ago
i can say i seen the lights. but im scared to. i am scared to admit i was that close

you do this to me. you know that?
how the fuck do i rid you of my mind? i cant.. i FUCKING cant. you are a virus.. you are fucking MEANT to be there.

GOD.
please help me here please i dont want to feel this.
you know i am miserable.
yuo know what i want
you know DAMN well.
is this what i need?? is this healthy?? of course not.

hello? are you listening to me still? it seems to me that everyone has tuned me out

i dont care. no, i dont! so long as he cares, i dont care who else cares; because all i want is you

i know god i know i know and i apologize deeply.
but how do i stop this??


how do i stop the tears
how the fuck do i stop this pain,
and can you please stop the nightmares and the hurt

ill do anything.
ill even give you my life.

anything..

i want you'
him
us
back.

now

ghfjdsk

January has issues with her mother, February is always talking about things he wants to do while March does them, April eats sweets and May pays for them, June is the oldest but not the wisest and July always has an opinion on everything. August never stops trying do the right thing, even if he doesn't always know what that is. September once saw something so sad, she never stopped crying. October holds the lift for anyone, vice-presidents and street-sweepers alike (for his memory, not for theirs) and November makes fun of him for this. December is tired but always hopeful. He has never once stopped believing.

Monday's obviously a bastard, quite literally as dad can't remember what or who he was doing. Tuesday's temperamental but ok as long as you stay on her good side. Wednesday doesn't say much and Thursday sometimes hums just to break the silence. They're in love. Friday's always wasted and she and Saturday hold each other tightly until their delirium fades.

But Sunday, Sunday knows she's the end. But she closes her eyes, and she pretends with all the strength in her tiny heart that really, she's the dawn.

Just say right.

you know what this is about right? you know that since day one it always was, right?? you know that i know and i knew along, right? you know that aside all of that, there is only one person that runs through my thoughts every night before i drift into the uknown... right? i am assuming you know who that is.... right? you know that i am always here for you, despite the fact that i left, right?

"my brain knows better." you would not believe my inbox of saved text messages. sometimes i wonder to myself why i hold onto the past so much. i know it wont get me anywhere tomorrow. i know it wont matter in two days. i know it means nothing today. because it is the past. and that is all. nothing more. nothing less.

but something in my heart makes me believe that no matter how long ago, no matter how heart felt it was 'at the time', you did mean it when you said it, so there is always potential.

potential friendship.
potential lovers.

just plain potential. the positive kind. you know??


i should have given your heart a reason to stay but instead i pushed you away and walked off, fearing rejection and in denial of the truth. i have always been afraid of those types of things. you know... not being accepted for how you feel or who you really are??

no, trust me. i know. it was short lived. but do you remember all the laughs?
because i know i do. i know that i won't forget them for a while. i don't know why, but i know that its true.

maybe it was in your laugh,
or maybe it was that sparkle in your eye each time i looked over at you when we were in that car, that specific look you carried so deeply. so heartfelt. so in the moment and wreckless.


you see.
these are the kinds of things i fear.
love. comfortability. stability.

because nothing is assured to last forever.
in fact. most things that are promised forever are usually shot down before you can even have a taste of how beautiful it is.. shot down by reality. im sure you know what i mean....... right??

If there is one thing i hate;

its admitting that even though we rightfully ended, there is always that thought of you in the back of my mind that haunts me.

if theres one thing i hate; its not knowing how to control that thought of you or rid my head from it.

if theres one thing i hate; its not you.

its that i ever allowed you into my life.

You were better to the ones that were worse for you. And worse to the one that was better for you.

Summer ease

Mother is writting in her journal - small, easily hidden, and full-of-tattoo-idea's. Her significant other is playing video games on the couch, muscles spazzing out everytime he approaches a new "bad guy". My pre-teen sister is spinning through her clothing piles scattered across the floor, trying to find an outfit for the movies this fine saturday evening. My sister falling right behind her 11 months shy of being a pre-teen, is listening to Miley cyrus making a dance routine in the bedroom with the door cracked because, she "doesn't want us to see it", but she wants us to see it.

As for the rest of my family......who cares lol. Its so peaceful right now. Feels like a real home/familyy. :)

Pretend.

it was late yeah but you were awake. you asked for a cigarette, then asked me to stay. the scent that you wore sent dirty thoughts to my brain. your smile drove me insane. it was then we got lost in a dream. when we woke we found some distance between cuz you keep running away.

i'm ready to fall, and i am ready to take what i can. it was raining when you told me leave, you were complaining i was out of your league. the night it was draining, i was feeling fatigued. so i nodded off to sleep

it was then i saw the light from the sun, when i woke up i knew the magic was gone

all cuz, you keep running away

can we live this moment over again? i know we're not lovers but we can pretend. we can sail across the world in the sheets of your bed.

Best days

I remember summber before 8th grade, Christin and I had some of the most fun times of my life lol.

We would be home alone all day at either her house or mine, and we would be bored out of our minds. The things we came up with to pass the time are so retarded, haha.

Going in the dryer to spin as if it were a ride haha, sleeping on the roof mid-day and waking up sunburnt 2 hours later with awkward tanlines, jumping off the roof into the pool almost killing ourselves haha, racing in circles around my front/back/side yards, locking each other out and breaking back into the house then beating the shit out of each other haha, having no food so eating smores for breakfast lunch and dinner, sneaking out at 3am to go on bike riding adventures, going to the canyons and finding waterfalls and catching fish lol, putting her sister in the oven and telling her we were going to feeed her to the whole apartment complex if she didn't behave, piercing random parts on our bodies, window shopping for hours on end, goingto the arcade to play old school video games and spend all our $ (which explains why we never had food) haha.

I seriously miss her/jr high more than anything.
I hope she's doing well in Texas. Cheers, for all the years I have known, loved, and miss you

I'm so afraid...

I'm in deeper than I had anticipated.

GREAT.