I wonder what it is going to be like at my funeral. I want lots of white and no crying, no black either, please.
I want you to celebrate my new life with God, do not mourn my death, embrace it.
Can you do that? If you do, I promise when I get to Heaven I'll write you a postcard and compromise a deal with a toothfairy to leave it under your pillow.
Monday, July 19, 2010
The blackest night will fall and I will be gone like the sun. But in the darkness, you will find something more important than me. You will find yourself, deep in that ink. The sky will lift you up like the moon, to bring light to a landscape starved of it. And I will chase you and you will chase me, in the hope that one day we will find each other again. And when that day comes, we will cast our light.
Together
Together
When a tornado meets a volcano.
I never sleep anymore, I really want to, but I can't.
I really over analyze every situation I am put in.
And here I am, always writting about the same thing over and over even though I know God wants to to just sleep, wake up, and realize my worth and that this wasn't part of it.
( My hair has gotten so long :)(: )
Anyhow, I truly admire Jónsi's work to the bone. This is so soothing, so beautiful. Even if it reminds me of a time I wish never happened, I can't help but let his talent fill my ears and pour out of my eyes (in the shape of tears and regret) and heart (in the shape of .......fuck I miss you.)
Who am I kidding, how the fuck do you get over someone who has had your heart unknowingly for almost a whole entire year, and they not even know? Honestly, I need that answer right now far more than I need to nail that interview in a few hours. I am such a sap. Such a h e l p l e s s romantic. Awake at every hour, trying desperatley to forget what never was. How pathetic, I know.. don't remind me.
I should have learned from you, 806806806806/// I should have taken the sting as something to grow from, not miss and treasure and sit here and let someone else do this to me. Right?
Which brings me to another thing..........
Dear 806806806806806806806,
Before I can live with a genuine full heart that I can be satisfied with, when will you allow me to let go of you?
I know right now, you have 86% of my heart/mind, and the other whatever %, he has, but shit fuck fuck fuck. EVERYTHING reminds me of you.
The beach, the sky, the air, my eyelashes (I can not even go a day without mascara anymore because since 10th grade, you said I was as beautiful as an angel without it, if I don't wear it... I think of those words.... I think of you... Us.... 806806///////// ) my bed, my walls, my tattoo (which by the way was put onto my skin for you, no one knows that, well, i suppose they do now), my lamp in my room, everytime I brush my teeth even- I remember you and I would brush each others teeth and practice because 'one day bear, I am going to have to woosey your lazy grumpy ass out of our bed, drag you in our bathroom, and brush your teeth for you because I hate how you do it!' - how do I remember every single word down to the core????
There I go ... There YOU go distracting me.
B806806E806806A806806806/////R.
Why can't one person, just one, aside from Lily, see how genuine I am and how much I care? I give everything, and it gets spit on and stepped on and thrown out the window of the 605 on the way to weenier dog races. Kill me.
I pray everynight. I read my bible. I study it. I should know not to speak like this, or think like this. But God is so blurry right now. I feel like I am an iceberg and he is putting me through this hot summer because he enjoys watching me fall apart. Does that make sense?
I meet someone special. I get chewed up and spit out. FUCKFUCK.
This is bullshit.
(LISTEN TO: sigur rós - glósóli)
I want to be happy again. I want to go back to before I met you. Fuck, I want to go back when I was creeped out by you and warned my friends not to even pay you any notice because you would swoop in on them. I miss when you were only someone to talk to when I was up at 4am and so were you, and we both liked weird shit and traded weird photographs.
I miss the mystery of you. Now you're just a regular ass douche bag with the worst intentions, shot my heart to hell, and should burn there with it.
No, I don't mean that. But I do ://:
La la la la la la //////// <||| xyoursMINE3
WHY am I still up.
I really over analyze every situation I am put in.
And here I am, always writting about the same thing over and over even though I know God wants to to just sleep, wake up, and realize my worth and that this wasn't part of it.
( My hair has gotten so long :)(: )
Anyhow, I truly admire Jónsi's work to the bone. This is so soothing, so beautiful. Even if it reminds me of a time I wish never happened, I can't help but let his talent fill my ears and pour out of my eyes (in the shape of tears and regret) and heart (in the shape of .......fuck I miss you.)
Who am I kidding, how the fuck do you get over someone who has had your heart unknowingly for almost a whole entire year, and they not even know? Honestly, I need that answer right now far more than I need to nail that interview in a few hours. I am such a sap. Such a h e l p l e s s romantic. Awake at every hour, trying desperatley to forget what never was. How pathetic, I know.. don't remind me.
I should have learned from you, 806806806806/// I should have taken the sting as something to grow from, not miss and treasure and sit here and let someone else do this to me. Right?
Which brings me to another thing..........
Dear 806806806806806806806,
Before I can live with a genuine full heart that I can be satisfied with, when will you allow me to let go of you?
I know right now, you have 86% of my heart/mind, and the other whatever %, he has, but shit fuck fuck fuck. EVERYTHING reminds me of you.
The beach, the sky, the air, my eyelashes (I can not even go a day without mascara anymore because since 10th grade, you said I was as beautiful as an angel without it, if I don't wear it... I think of those words.... I think of you... Us.... 806806///////// ) my bed, my walls, my tattoo (which by the way was put onto my skin for you, no one knows that, well, i suppose they do now), my lamp in my room, everytime I brush my teeth even- I remember you and I would brush each others teeth and practice because 'one day bear, I am going to have to woosey your lazy grumpy ass out of our bed, drag you in our bathroom, and brush your teeth for you because I hate how you do it!' - how do I remember every single word down to the core????
There I go ... There YOU go distracting me.
B806806E806806A806806806/////R.
Why can't one person, just one, aside from Lily, see how genuine I am and how much I care? I give everything, and it gets spit on and stepped on and thrown out the window of the 605 on the way to weenier dog races. Kill me.
I pray everynight. I read my bible. I study it. I should know not to speak like this, or think like this. But God is so blurry right now. I feel like I am an iceberg and he is putting me through this hot summer because he enjoys watching me fall apart. Does that make sense?
I meet someone special. I get chewed up and spit out. FUCKFUCK.
This is bullshit.
(LISTEN TO: sigur rós - glósóli)
I want to be happy again. I want to go back to before I met you. Fuck, I want to go back when I was creeped out by you and warned my friends not to even pay you any notice because you would swoop in on them. I miss when you were only someone to talk to when I was up at 4am and so were you, and we both liked weird shit and traded weird photographs.
I miss the mystery of you. Now you're just a regular ass douche bag with the worst intentions, shot my heart to hell, and should burn there with it.
No, I don't mean that. But I do ://:
La la la la la la //////// <||| xyoursMINE3
WHY am I still up.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
The tiny iceberg
tonight.,
tonight i thought it was the end. the end of the road. the end of my destination. that end where you know everything you have ever known was pointless in knowing... and it all just cam crashing down.
it was 8 months. 8 months deep
or 8 months not deep enough
all i know is i have a curse with that number, that 8 number, fuck you8.
all.everything.everything i have ever cared for,admired,cherished.ended,started,or had something to do with.
no.
im writting this for you. but not you, because you were so long ago. and you know that no matter what, ill always have a thriving heart for you
..but YOU,
because as mentioned before., well you get it,
LISTEN TO: BOSTON - AUGUSTUNA
i found an angel tied up in the bathroom at a resturaunt. i was about to untie her. you stopped me. you asked me..."ask her if she wants to be untied." she smiled and told me she was fine. as we walked out, you told me you can no aruge with angels. they do what they want. even if they have fallen... and you have got to respect them for that.
ausgust., 8 8 8 8 888888 8888 888 8 8 8 8 8 8 06 88 00 006 8 0 6 88 00 00 6
you dont know me and you dont even care
you dont know me and you dont wear my chains'
im going to boston
i think ill start a new life
i think il start over
no one knows myname
ill get out of california
ill get a lover.
i swear i willl.
soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo heartbroken. i hope to god no one sees this. you are not meant to read this. you are not meant to see this.. so please stop if you are. you you you you . you know my name but you dont know me. please just stop . please
i am down the street from my former best friends house
i took the most dangerous ride of my life 20 minutes ago
i can say i seen the lights. but im scared to. i am scared to admit i was that close
you do this to me. you know that?
how the fuck do i rid you of my mind? i cant.. i FUCKING cant. you are a virus.. you are fucking MEANT to be there.
GOD.
please help me here please i dont want to feel this.
you know i am miserable.
yuo know what i want
you know DAMN well.
is this what i need?? is this healthy?? of course not.
hello? are you listening to me still? it seems to me that everyone has tuned me out
i dont care. no, i dont! so long as he cares, i dont care who else cares; because all i want is you
i know god i know i know and i apologize deeply.
but how do i stop this??
how do i stop the tears
how the fuck do i stop this pain,
and can you please stop the nightmares and the hurt
ill do anything.
ill even give you my life.
anything..
i want you'
him
us
back.
now
ghfjdsk
tonight i thought it was the end. the end of the road. the end of my destination. that end where you know everything you have ever known was pointless in knowing... and it all just cam crashing down.
it was 8 months. 8 months deep
or 8 months not deep enough
all i know is i have a curse with that number, that 8 number, fuck you8.
all.everything.everything i have ever cared for,admired,cherished.ended,started,or had something to do with.
no.
im writting this for you. but not you, because you were so long ago. and you know that no matter what, ill always have a thriving heart for you
..but YOU,
because as mentioned before., well you get it,
LISTEN TO: BOSTON - AUGUSTUNA
i found an angel tied up in the bathroom at a resturaunt. i was about to untie her. you stopped me. you asked me..."ask her if she wants to be untied." she smiled and told me she was fine. as we walked out, you told me you can no aruge with angels. they do what they want. even if they have fallen... and you have got to respect them for that.
ausgust., 8 8 8 8 888888 8888 888 8 8 8 8 8 8 06 88 00 006 8 0 6 88 00 00 6
you dont know me and you dont even care
you dont know me and you dont wear my chains'
im going to boston
i think ill start a new life
i think il start over
no one knows myname
ill get out of california
ill get a lover.
i swear i willl.
soooooooooooooooooooooooooooo heartbroken. i hope to god no one sees this. you are not meant to read this. you are not meant to see this.. so please stop if you are. you you you you . you know my name but you dont know me. please just stop . please
i am down the street from my former best friends house
i took the most dangerous ride of my life 20 minutes ago
i can say i seen the lights. but im scared to. i am scared to admit i was that close
you do this to me. you know that?
how the fuck do i rid you of my mind? i cant.. i FUCKING cant. you are a virus.. you are fucking MEANT to be there.
GOD.
please help me here please i dont want to feel this.
you know i am miserable.
yuo know what i want
you know DAMN well.
is this what i need?? is this healthy?? of course not.
hello? are you listening to me still? it seems to me that everyone has tuned me out
i dont care. no, i dont! so long as he cares, i dont care who else cares; because all i want is you
i know god i know i know and i apologize deeply.
but how do i stop this??
how do i stop the tears
how the fuck do i stop this pain,
and can you please stop the nightmares and the hurt
ill do anything.
ill even give you my life.
anything..
i want you'
him
us
back.
now
ghfjdsk
Friday, July 16, 2010
January has issues with her mother, February is always talking about things he wants to do while March does them, April eats sweets and May pays for them, June is the oldest but not the wisest and July always has an opinion on everything. August never stops trying do the right thing, even if he doesn't always know what that is. September once saw something so sad, she never stopped crying. October holds the lift for anyone, vice-presidents and street-sweepers alike (for his memory, not for theirs) and November makes fun of him for this. December is tired but always hopeful. He has never once stopped believing.
Monday's obviously a bastard, quite literally as dad can't remember what or who he was doing. Tuesday's temperamental but ok as long as you stay on her good side. Wednesday doesn't say much and Thursday sometimes hums just to break the silence. They're in love. Friday's always wasted and she and Saturday hold each other tightly until their delirium fades.
But Sunday, Sunday knows she's the end. But she closes her eyes, and she pretends with all the strength in her tiny heart that really, she's the dawn.
Monday's obviously a bastard, quite literally as dad can't remember what or who he was doing. Tuesday's temperamental but ok as long as you stay on her good side. Wednesday doesn't say much and Thursday sometimes hums just to break the silence. They're in love. Friday's always wasted and she and Saturday hold each other tightly until their delirium fades.
But Sunday, Sunday knows she's the end. But she closes her eyes, and she pretends with all the strength in her tiny heart that really, she's the dawn.
Just say right.
you know what this is about right? you know that since day one it always was, right?? you know that i know and i knew along, right? you know that aside all of that, there is only one person that runs through my thoughts every night before i drift into the uknown... right? i am assuming you know who that is.... right? you know that i am always here for you, despite the fact that i left, right?
"my brain knows better." you would not believe my inbox of saved text messages. sometimes i wonder to myself why i hold onto the past so much. i know it wont get me anywhere tomorrow. i know it wont matter in two days. i know it means nothing today. because it is the past. and that is all. nothing more. nothing less.
but something in my heart makes me believe that no matter how long ago, no matter how heart felt it was 'at the time', you did mean it when you said it, so there is always potential.
potential friendship.
potential lovers.
just plain potential. the positive kind. you know??
i should have given your heart a reason to stay but instead i pushed you away and walked off, fearing rejection and in denial of the truth. i have always been afraid of those types of things. you know... not being accepted for how you feel or who you really are??
no, trust me. i know. it was short lived. but do you remember all the laughs?
because i know i do. i know that i won't forget them for a while. i don't know why, but i know that its true.
maybe it was in your laugh,
or maybe it was that sparkle in your eye each time i looked over at you when we were in that car, that specific look you carried so deeply. so heartfelt. so in the moment and wreckless.
you see.
these are the kinds of things i fear.
love. comfortability. stability.
because nothing is assured to last forever.
in fact. most things that are promised forever are usually shot down before you can even have a taste of how beautiful it is.. shot down by reality. im sure you know what i mean....... right??
"my brain knows better." you would not believe my inbox of saved text messages. sometimes i wonder to myself why i hold onto the past so much. i know it wont get me anywhere tomorrow. i know it wont matter in two days. i know it means nothing today. because it is the past. and that is all. nothing more. nothing less.
but something in my heart makes me believe that no matter how long ago, no matter how heart felt it was 'at the time', you did mean it when you said it, so there is always potential.
potential friendship.
potential lovers.
just plain potential. the positive kind. you know??
i should have given your heart a reason to stay but instead i pushed you away and walked off, fearing rejection and in denial of the truth. i have always been afraid of those types of things. you know... not being accepted for how you feel or who you really are??
no, trust me. i know. it was short lived. but do you remember all the laughs?
because i know i do. i know that i won't forget them for a while. i don't know why, but i know that its true.
maybe it was in your laugh,
or maybe it was that sparkle in your eye each time i looked over at you when we were in that car, that specific look you carried so deeply. so heartfelt. so in the moment and wreckless.
you see.
these are the kinds of things i fear.
love. comfortability. stability.
because nothing is assured to last forever.
in fact. most things that are promised forever are usually shot down before you can even have a taste of how beautiful it is.. shot down by reality. im sure you know what i mean....... right??
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